Some people, unfortunately, think that they know a better way for donuts to be. They’ll pair those sweet little balls of fried dough and sugar with any number of things, everything from hot cheese to cold meat . Sometimes, this gives us something incredible, like the Luther Burger, a delicious meeting of cheeseburger and donut that will no doubt give you a heart attack, but is well worth it for the taste. Sadly, this list is not about those successes, but instead the failures, the worst things ever done to the innocent glazed goodies we all love. You won’t find any of these at your local grocery store, and for that, we should all be very thankful. If you can stomach it, we’re about to dive into the 10 worst donuts ever made. SEE ALSO: Top 10 Failed McDonald’s Products
10 The Buffalo Crunch Donut
Tim Horton’s is a beloved staple of Canadian culture. Friends from Canada tell us endlessly about the wondrous taste of their coffee, their donuts, and TimBits, whatever those are. You’d think, then, that with a long history of making great donuts, they’d know what not to do with those lovely little sugar bombs. Unfortunately for us, no, no they do not. In 2014, Tim Horton’s released a monstrosity onto the world for the New York State Fair, one that would scar tastebuds and make grown men weep for their tongues.[1] The abomination known as the Buffalo Crunch Donut was born, a combination of sweet, pull-apart donut and spicy buffalo sauce glaze, topped with crushed buffalo chips and a puddle of buffalo sauce for dipping in. The awful demon of a donut reportedly came in two flavors, mild and hot. Personally, I’ll have neither. Shame, Tim Horton’s! Shame!
9 The Sloppy Joenut
Krispy Kreme, wow, I can’t believe you’ve done this. This is terrible. I’m almost personally offended by this move, and that’s saying something! Krispy Kreme is another company known for making delicious donuts. In fact, it’s not a stretch to say they are the face of American donuts, their crackly glazed donuts a fixture in offices and break rooms across the nation. In 2013, however, Krispy Kreme betrayed us, the consumer, by unleashing onto our unsuspecting tastebuds the Sloppy Joenut.[2] Partnering with Chicken Charlies in Del Mar, California, Krispy Kreme allowed chef Charlie Boghosian to slap ground beef, sloppy joe sauce, and cheddar cheese between the halves of a bisected glazed donut, soaking the poor donut in sauces and grease. A soggy mess is what this thing is, Krispy Kreme. Shame on you, too!
8 Foie Gras Donut
With the exception of the already praised Luther Burger, it’s been established that meat does not belong in a donut. This goes double for organ meat. Actually, it may even go triple for organ meat. Foie Gras, for anyone not in the know, is the liver of a duck or goose that has been force fed to the point of obesity. It’s one of those strange garbage-y sounding foods that rich people are particularly fond of, and Jeff Warner of the Do Or Dine restaurant on Brooklyn, New York made the, let’s call it ‘brave’, decision to place it inside a donut.[3] Animal rights concerns aside, this just sounds awful. Organ meats rarely belong in a non-stew dish to begin with, but to place it inside a donut just seems like going above and beyond to ruin things. Stuffed with fatty duck liver and jam, and clocking in at a cost of $11 per donut, this is something that should never have existed, and in a just and merciful world, would not, or would at least be less expensive.
7 Seaweed Pork Floss Donut
Have you ever woken up and thought to yourself, “You know what would be a nice way to start my day? A donut covered in pork and seaweed.” Yeah, I didn’t think so. Dunkin’ Donuts seems to think that it sounds wonderful, however, since they made it a menu item in some of their restaurants: a traditionally glazed donut, topped with pork floss (a cotton-candy like form of shredded pork) and dried pieces of seaweed. Sorry, did I say traditionally glazed? I meant to say it’s glazed with chili-oil.[4] This one, thankfully, is far, far away from us, safely placed in China. That being said, Dunkin’ Donuts, why? Why would you make this? According to the company, customers in China prefer a ”traditional, savory breakfast food”. I’m not entirely sure that pork and seaweed on a donut is either of those things, but the company knows best, I guess.
6 Kimchi Donut
Dunkin’ Donuts, again with this? Again with the weird flavors? If you’re not in the know, like me when I started down this terrible rabbit hole of culinary atrocities, Kimchi is a traditional Korean side dish made by taking nappa cabbage, Korean radish, and a mix of seasonings and flavor vegetables (such as spring onions and ginger) and fermenting them in large earthenware pots buried in the ground through the winter and summer. Although special refrigerators are made now so that the process can be done in the house in jars or Tupperware, there are still adherents to the traditional way of fermenting it. What does that have to do with donuts? Well, Dunkin’ Donuts, in trying to appeal to a Korean customer base, decided the best course of action was to take this side dish, stuff it into some sugared dough, and fry it up, creating the Kimchi Donut.[5] Dunkin’, why must you be this way?
5 The S’moracha
Who did this? Seriously, who? I cannot seem to find an origin point for this monster, although I did stumble across it’s recipe, so we unlucky travelers, side by side on this horrible flight, can make this in our own kitchen or laboratory.[6] The S’moracha is exactly what it sounds like: a donut that is equal parts s’mores and sriracha. From the outside, it even manages to look like an ordinary, perhaps even tasty donut, covered in all the wonderful, sweet things you would expect a donut to incorporate. Filled to the brim with chocolate, marshmallow, and Graham cracker sugar, this donut should have been, could have been, a delicious treat, a sweet delight that satisfies every sweet toothed child and adult it encounters. Alas, the S’moracha has a 4th, secret, out of place ingredient, like an evil chemical X: Sriracha, the spicy, eye watering, tongue scorching Asian hot sauce that comes in a clear bottle with a black rooster stamped on the front. This is the kind of donut you give to a person you hate to make them suffer, it is the ultimate evolution of the hot sauce drenched muffin.
4 Bone-Marrow Donut
New York seems to be a haven for the culinary creative, but seeing this particular creation makes me wonder if we as a society shouldn’t, perhaps, stifle that creativity just a little, just a smidgen. The Bone-Marrow donut sounds like something you would make up during Halloween season, a donut that would turn out to just be full of whipped chocolate made to look like bone marrow, a fun ‘spooky’ gimmick to get in the customers. Oh, how I desperately wish that were the case here. Instead, we are faced with the reality that deep in New York City’s twisting streets, a place called The Doughnut Project is collaborating with Hudson & Charles’s Butcher Shop to create the Bone-Marrow donut, a donut filled with chocolate…and real beef bone marrow, pulled from beef and pork bones, roasted, and stuffed with the chocolate into the center of the donut, which is then glazed with clementine glaze and chocolate shavings.[7] When will we as a society learn that animal parts don’t belong in sweets?
3 Texas Style Kolache
As I said in the beginning, every culture that can get their hands on oil eventually develops a donut of some sort. The Czech Republic is no different, creating the Kolache for weddings. A soft, airy pastry filled with cream, sweet cheeses like cream cheese, or fruits, they were an exemplary form of the donut, a delicious, soft treat that makes you smile and think of childhood. Then the Texans came. Of all the states, Texas is the state that loves their meat and beer the most, and this loves apparently extends even to donuts.[8] The Kolache Factory, which is exactly what it sounds like, is the biggest offender, stuffing the traditional Czech wedding pastry with sausage poached in beer, cheese, and jalapenos. These thing on their own or in, say, a biscuit or some other sort of fried shell are delicious, and I applaud Texas for this delicious combination, but at the end of the day, none of that belongs in a sweet, sweet donut.
2 Golden Cristal Ube Donut
Technically, this donut isn’t as offensive to the taste buds as the others on this list, but it is offensive to the wallet, and to common sense. The New York (of course) based Manila Social Club has created a donut that sells for 100 dollars per sweet, an outrageous amount for a simple fried pastry. What makes this fried dough so expensive? They drape it with a blanket of solid gold.[9] The donut itself is pretty simple, if a little high concept: the usual fried dough, filled with ube mousse, a type of whipped, fluffy, cream-like filling made from purple yams, and topped with champagne infused (and colored) frosting. The expense, and the awfulness, comes from the thin layer of 24 karat gold draped over the finished product. While technically it is edible, that’s still metal. It also has no taste. It serves no function but to make the donut exceptionally expensive. This is a no from me.
1 The Luxury Zebra Cro
There are exactly two kinds of eggs that belong in a donut: a chicken egg, for making the dough or topping a Luther Burger, and a Cadbury Creme Egg, to make the filling or as a topping on Easter. At no other time, and in no other way, should an egg of any sort come in contact with a donut. Especially not fish eggs. Unfortunately for you and I, that is exactly the kind of egg that Paul Hurley, the founder of Dum Dum Donutterie, has placed on his extra expensive cronut.[10] The offending morsel is a small, donut-croissant mixed pastry that contains, among other things, champagne, vanilla beans, and chocolate, all the most rare and expensive types of course. The disgusting part comes into play when the creator reveals that as an added bonus, and to really bump up the price, he’s added caviar and gold leaf, bringing the total cost of these donuts up to $2,000 per donut and the edibility of this malformed misuse of ingredients to somewhere around zero. A great buy if you have infinite money to waste and hate your sense of taste, I suppose, but for anyone else, probably not the best idea to buy or even sample. About The Author: Deana Samuels has recently gone on the lam to hide from the donut experimentation mafia, wanted for exposing their crimes against food.
